I can
by Aware-Mermaid
Summary: AU of Casino Night. Pam reaches out to Jim almost immediately after their kiss. How would this dynamic change their relationship? Jam endgame, not a lot of Roy/Pam.
1. Jim

"I can't." Those two words just kept repeating in his head and he was running back all their conversations and moments and he just didn't think he was imagining things. She felt it too. And she was scared. But so was he! Did she think he just fell in love with every girl he met? Pam was special. Pam had a kindness that emanated from her core and Roy did not deserve her. He constantly took advantage of her kindness and put her down.

But she didn't do anything to stop it. It killed him to see her taking all this crap from Roy. Just swallowed it. Why did she stay with him? What was so great about him? Did he really make her that happy? Did he really make her laugh? Because he couldn't see it. Maybe she wasn't feeling that confident and he came in on a low point and she's having a hard time to forget that. But that was a stupid reason to stay with someone.

She was scared. Scared of what? Roy's reaction? Because as much as Jim didn't get angry or frazzled or anything, Roy brought that out of him. He'd punch Roy if he found out if he ever laid a hand on Pam. Of course, he wanted to punch him for being allowed to put his hands on Pam in other aspects. He really didn't want to think about it. Really didn't want to think about it. He'd probably punch a wall.

"I'm sorry you misinterpreted our friendship." Bullshit. He didn't misinterpret anything. She kissed him at the Dundies, he didn't instigate anything. But he also didn't forget how warm her lips were and how he could smell the alcohol on her. He wanted so bad to be the one to give her the aspirin in the morning with a cup of water and he was so angry that he wasn't. He saw how much joy she had when he gave her the teapot. How cute she found his yearbook photo. How she leaned into him when he flirted with her at the reception desk.

It wasn't one sided. She was just scared of the feelings he gave her. And as he reluctantly thought about it from her side, she didn't say no. She said I can't. She's been with this guy for ten years. She couldn't just throw away her relationship all willy nilly. She had a lot to think about in regards to Jim, in regards to Roy and most importantly, in regards to herself. He knew once she got some distance from Roy, she would blossom into this beautiful, confident woman that was somewhere in there. She just needed the right person. He just hoped she would come to him and let him be that person for her. He has always encouraged her art. He thinks she has a lot of talent. She is so much better than a receptionist at a middle level paper company.

But they both needed some space. They both needed some time apart to figure out what they wanted. Jim loved Pam but Pam needed to love herself first. And he had some soul searching to do also. He took the transfer to Stamford because he wanted to get more experience in a management role and it was clear from Michael and Dwight that he wasn't going to get that in Scranton. Maybe Stamford wasn't much better but he deserved the chance to try. It didn't hurt that in Stamford, he could bury his head in the sand and ignore the fact that Pam and Roy would be married. Pamela Anderson, really? He couldn't believe she said yes.

But maybe she thought she couldn't do any better. Maybe she thought that Roy was the best person she could get and that she should just swallow any slights because this is all she could get. Maybe someone in her past made her feel inadequate or she was bullied until she really felt worthless. Some girls just really take the bullying to heart and need a guy to make her feel better. He didn't think Pam had that low of self-esteem but he didn't know her in high school. Maybe she was a different person back then.

But she could do so much better. She was a kind and gentle person with a great sense of humor and was so creative. If she took some classes, she really could hone her craft and really make something of herself. He quietly held the opinion that she could really do so much better in an artistic neighborhood, maybe New York or where there was an up and coming art scene like Philadelphia or Austin, Texas. That there was a recent surge in art. And it was becoming more of a social movement to go to art shows, it wasn't super dorky anymore. Socialites did it all the time now. Art galleries were holding wine demonstrations, they were starting a trend of paint night... Where they could attempt to recreate a painting while drinking wine and having a good girl's night out with some friends. It wasn't so out of the box that Pam couldn't make a living out of art. She deserved better than to have to put up with Michael Scott. She deserved everything.

He'd give her some space. Give her some time to come to her own conclusions about her life. He couldn't make her break up with Roy. If she wanted to stay with him and give up on her dreams, then at least he tried. He tried to give her another option. He knew Pam. He knew she had a hidden backbone. If she married him, then he'd move on and he definitely wouldn't forget the first woman he fell in love with, that he could see a future with. He could see a house with her, a little girl who looked just like her, a wedding band on her finger... Pam was the first woman that he felt that with. He never wanted to have a serious romantic relationship before and sometimes the girl figured it out and moved on or he did. But Pam was in a committed relationship.

But she kissed him back. She wasn't drunk. She tried to use that excuse but she didn't fool him. He saw as he drew back from the kiss and how her eyes fluttered as they opened back up and he saw the emotions in her eyes. The lust, the way her eyes darkened. He did that to her. Not her stupid fiancé. Him. He then saw the fear as she processed it. He didn't care about her ring. Engaged ain't married, as Michael put it. Usually he didn't put much stock in Michael's words but this time he might have been on to something.

He saw the fear take over her expression and although he was hurting that she turned him down verbally, he also took in what she wasn't saying. The want in her face. The hurt voice she was using, as if it hurt her to say those words. He was hurt but he was hopeful because the ball was in her court. He loved her, yes. But he also didn't know her that well outside of what she told him. Things that were safe to hear as a friend. But he wanted to know all of it. He wanted to know what shampoo she used. He wanted to know what wine was her favorite. Did she like sports? He knew how she felt about hockey. Hockey, god when she told him that story about hockey, he knew she was talking about Roy. How could he leave her in a bathroom, like she wasn't worth anything? He wouldn't leave her anywhere until he knew she was safe. His mother raised a nice, kind man who would rather wait two hours in the rain for a girl than to leave her in some stadium all by herself. His heart hurt when he thought about how sad she must have been. How sad she must have looked.

"Hey man." Mark greeted as he grabbed a beer from the fridge, the interruption ripping Jim from his thoughts. "You having second thoughts about Australia?"

"Nah." Jim replied. "I really need a break from all these feelings." Mark nodded.

"I mean, you kinda did wait a while..." Jim laughed.

"Oh, I know. Wasn't my best timing. I kept chickening out. I finally said it, she knows how I feel and I haven't heard from her."

"Give her some time. If she is as into you as I saw at the barbeque, then I wouldn't worry too much." Jim nodded looking down. "If she did break it off, she has a lot of stuff to sort through, where she's gonna live, stuff like that... That shit takes time."

"It definitely does." Jim got up from the barstool in the kitchen. "Well, I'm going to finish packing and I'm just going to enjoy myself and take some me time. Sample some beers, go to the beach... Tourist stuff."

"Soul searching is good. Let me know if you need anything." Jim nodded.

"Will do."

Jim continued packing his bags for his extended vacation to Australia and although he had half a mind to sleep with some Aussie women, he couldn't. Even if Pam was sleeping with Roy every once in a while, he really needed to get introspective. And having sex complicates more things than solves them.

He opened his phone and looked at the last message he sent to Pam.

To Pam: I am going to Australia for an extended vacation to think about a lot of things, if you need to talk, email me. It might be a while before I get internet but I will answer when I can.

He's heard radio silence since then. Which is okay. They both had stuff they needed to think about.

Sooner than he would have liked, he made his way to the airport. The plane he got, thankfully had internet, very slow, only for emails basically but that was good enough. He wanted to know if Pam would email him. And six hours into his unfortunately long flight, he opened his laptop and logged onto his email. He smiled as he saw an email from Pam.

From PBeesly24 

To: JHalpert36 

Subject: Taking you up on your offer.

Hi Jim,

I wanted to be the first to tell you that I broke up with Roy. I've been working on some personal thoughts and I realized that we weren't right for each other.

I lied to you the other night; you didn't misinterpret our friendship. I just felt so guilty every time I laughed with you and I tried to ignore it... But I can't anymore. I can't. And I'm sorry I said I can't to you. I can. Well, I mean I will. I think although we know each other from work, we don't actually know each other that well. But I would like to. I would really like to. Maybe we can email back and forth and you can tell me about your amazing trip which I am completely jealous of and I can update you on my independence activities. I have so much to do with this whole thing, it's insane.

I guess I should say it outright. I fell in love with you a really long time ago and I don't know why it took me so long to say it or admit it to myself and I am so sorry if I hurt you and I totally understand if you never want to see me again. I wouldn't.

Even if you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore, Jim, I want you to know I am so grateful. So grateful you showed me that I could have an art career as more than a hobby, that I could be more than a receptionist. That I could be more. I could never repay you for that. You saw someone inside of me that hasn't come out in years. I think it's time to let that girl out again. When you see or talk or type me again, I will be a new and improved Pam Beesly 2.0.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Pam

Jim smiled as he shut down his computer, without replying. He wanted to get to know this new Pam Beesly.


	2. Pam

"I can't." The words spilled out of Pam's mouth before she really even thought about it. The thing was she could. She so could. She couldn't lie and say the thoughts never crossed her mind. That she wondered what it was like to be wrapped up in Jim's arms, to submit to his kisses.

When she first met Jim, he had a huge smile, great sense of humor and effervescent energy. And she could tell all of that from the first few minutes of meeting him. As time went on and he talked to her more, she didn't miss the sad face he got when she mentioned Roy the first time. And admittedly, it took longer than it probably should have to mention her boyfriend. It wasn't like she never got hit on. Scummy guys who were always at the places that Roy always hung out were always hitting on her, like those are the only people she could appeal to.

She couldn't tell you any precise moment, any memory that stood out that made her fall in love with Jim. Admittedly, they didn't know each other super well. She never complained about her relationship with Roy, he never talked about his dating life, she never told him about her high school days where Roy swooped in and saved her life and that it might have been why she stayed with him for so long and he never went into his childhood. They kept each other at arm's length. It worked for them.

But it didn't. She kept enjoying his company and kept pulling away from Roy when he instigated physical affection. After the Dundies, she couldn't handle being touched by him. It didn't make sense. She should want to be touched by her fiancé, right? They had been together almost 10 years, it makes sense that the romance died, right? It happens. But she wasn't sure that she wanted it to reignite. The way she was so embarrassed on the Booze Cruise over how obviously Roy flirted with Katy, right in front of her, right in front of Roy. She and Jim exchanged horrified glances but she just felt shame. He clearly thought their romance was dead too because he didn't even try anymore. He tried to instigate once and she pulled away from him and they slept on polar opposites of the bed and on the cruise was the first time he put his arm around her. He was quiet that whole night.

He was planning something, she knew that. But she just didn't know how wrong it was. He was drinking heavily and she never liked how he acted when he drank that much. It was just beer and not anything harder, thank goodness. She didn't want to go through that experience again. Then he got this bright idea to set a date. She was stunned and just went through the motions of being happy that he set a date but really? It took him getting drunk off beer to set a date? Did he even want that date or was he plucking one out of the sky?

Then Casino Night happened and she was just so confused. She felt more fire from the kisses with Jim than she had felt with Roy in years, possibly ever. But she was engaged. But she wanted to kiss Jim more. But she's engaged. But his hot mouth... Who knew goofy Jim could kiss like that? Who knew he would set a fire in her that she thought long extinguished? She stupidly said the first thing that came to her head.

_I can't._

_I'm sorry you misinterpreted our friendship. _

He didn't misinterpret anything. She was so into him. She loved flirting with him. She liked giggling at his little comments. He made Dunder Mifflin so much better. But she valued Roy. But, why did she value Roy? He saved her from a low moment so he deserved her respect and love forever more? Screw that.

He didn't value her. He just liked someone to take over his cooking, his laundry, like his mother that he sometimes got laid with. But unbeknownst to her, Jim started helping her dream again. Dreams that she had thought long buried. He encouraged her art. The only thing Roy encouraged her to do was to stop buying art supplies. Jim encouraged her to go take classes and be more than a receptionist. Roy told her she'd never be any better than a secretary at Dunder Mifflin, she should just accept that. She never told anyone what he said or how bad it hurt her but Jim saw something made her sad and he made her laugh and she felt better.

She had never broken up with anyone before. How do you even begin to dissolve a life you built with another person? What's the worst method to use? Well texting is definitely out. She couldn't do that. Even if Roy deserved it. Even if she didn't end up with Jim, she deserved better than what she had. She deserved an equal partnership. Not a 90/10 partnership that she had now.

Pam wiped tears off her cheeks as she went inside, hesitating on the doorway. She turned and saw Jim watching her. He saw her hesitate. He smiled sadly. She felt her phone buzz and she saw Jim had been flipping his closed. She opened it and pressed Open.

Take as much time as you need. -Jim

She looked up and Jim was already walking away. She bit her lip and then remembered how amazing he made her feel as he kissed her. She sighed and moved her hair and opened the door to the warehouse and her eyes drew over everyone in the warehouse, her eyes falling on Roy. He was leaning on the bar, flirting outrageously with the bartender. He always did that. When she asked him about it, he replied, "It's how I get cheaper drinks, babe. Don't worry." But she didn't know if she believed him. He leaned in and grabbed a cherry from the other side and said something that made her giggle coquettishly. Pam frowned. She looked around and all her co-workers were watching him with disgust in her features. Pam felt shame rinse over her as she realized everyone saw him flirting with another woman. These were her co-workers and more importantly, her friends. How could he blatantly embarrass her like this? Phyllis made her way over.

"You deserve better, Pam." She whispered as she went outside. Pam smiled to herself. Yes, she did. And although she regrets hurting Jim, she needed this kick in the ass. She deserved a hell of a lot better. She marched over to the bar and Roy snapped out of his flirting stance.

"Uh... Hey, babe." The bartender gave Roy a disgusted look as she scoffed and moved down to the end of the bar.

"Hey, _babe_." She spat the last word. Roy held up his hands.

"Pammy, we talked about this." Pam scoffed.

"Uh huh." She drew out the last word, not looking impressed in the slightest. Her phone vibrated and she looked at her text.

"Who's that?" Roy demanded as he saw her frown at the text and then looked away at nothing and her expression hardened.

"None of your business." She stated as she clicked her phone close.

"I'm your boyfriend. Of course, it's my business." Pam scoffed.

"Forget about the fiance already, Roy? Only been engaged for three years?" She replied sardonically. "So, what's the bartender's name?" Roy sputtered. "Yeah, that's what I thought." She went to the end of the bar and spoke to the girl who Roy swindled. "Don't worry, no hard feelings. He's the jerk, not you." The girl smiled sadly.

"I am so sorry. I had no idea." She whispered at Pam. Pam nodded.

"It's okay. I need to think some things through. Believe it or not, this helped." The girl smiled.

"Good. You deserve better than someone flirting with every bartender he meets." Pam smiled as she turned away.

"Pam!" Roy ran up to her and yanked her arm.

"Ow!" Pam tried to release her arm. "Let go!"

"No way. I'm not letting you disrespect me and walk away!" He sneered at her. Pam felt a sliver of fear. Thankfully, Darryl came up behind Roy and yanked Roy's hand off Pam.

"There is no reason to resort to this kind of behavior to your fiancé." Darryl intoned, his dark eyes glittering. "She is a lady." Pam smiled gratefully and walked to the stairs.

"Pam!" Roy yelled trying to get out of Darryl's grip.

"I am having my sister get me. I need some time to think." Pam said without turning around. Roy yelled incoherently as Pam opened her phone and called her sister as she walked up the stairs.

Soon, her sister pulled into the parking lot and Pam got out of the building without incident. She got into the passenger seat of her sister's SUV and turned and saw her mom, Helene.

"Mom!" She cried happily. She grasped her mom in a bear hug. "What are you doing here?"

"She was babysitting for me, I thought it would be nice for her to see you too!" Her sister, Penny replied happily.

"Pammy!" Pam pulled back with a grimace. "What?" She saw her daughter's face change.

"I think Roy has ruined that for me. I have so much to tell you guys." Pam took off her heels and she began to tell them about all her feelings for Jim, loss of feelings for Roy and how she and Jim kissed. They listened quietly and they arrived at Penny's house and Penny made them tea as they processed all they heard from Pam.

"Well, honey." Helene started out. "I have to be honest. I think this has been a long time coming. I know you've been with Roy for a long time but sometimes that doesn't mean you should stay with them for the rest of your life."

"I know." Helene took a sip of tea before adding more honey.

"Roy doesn't really seem to be adapting to adulthood like you are. You don't go to the bar or take things seriously." Pam nodded. "You need to make yourself happy, dear, life is too short to be unhappy."

"What do you think, Penny?" Pam asked her sister.

"Um...Pam. I don't think Roy is right for you. He's stifling you. You used to be so into painting and now you don't even lift a paintbrush. I don't know Jim but I think maybe being on your own for a little while would be really good for you." Helene snorted into her tea.

"That boy is so heads over heels for Pam, it's kind of funny." Helene laughed at her daughter's embarrassed expense.

"Mom!" Pam cried, covering her burning cheeks.

"When I went out to lunch with Pam and Roy, I asked quite loudly, 'Which one's Jim?' and poor Pam got so embarrassed but I saw one very handsome young man smirk but lost his nerve to talk to me when he saw Roy enter the room." Helene confided to Penny.

"Mom!" Pam cried again but to no avail.

"Pam talks about Jim all the time. And when I ask about Roy, she says 'Oh, he's fine.'" Penny smirked at her little sister's expense.

"On a serious note," Penny took a sip of her tea. "In my opinion, Pam..." Pam looked up seriously at her sister. "He's not right for you. You shouldn't marry him." Pam looked down.

"I know it's a serious decision..." Pam started. "But I feel like I already made it." Pam said as she looked at her ring. The ring she basically paid for because Roy spent all his money on booze. She removed the ring and looked at it, staring at the cheap gem that was the only one she could afford. She placed it on the counter and picked up her mug again, sipping at the chamomile tea.

Helene looked at her daughter proudly. She knew this was a long time coming and she didn't know why Pam didn't do this earlier when Roy refused to set a date for months and months then turned into years. She was grateful to Jim for slowing building up her self-confidence and giving her a kick in the butt. She clearly needed it. Life is only so long and Pam really shouldn't spend it unhappy. She reached and put her hand over Pam's.

"We will help you with whatever you need." Penny nodded immediately. Pam's heart warmed. She was so lucky to have the people in her life that she did.

The next morning, Penny lent her a truck to get some things from the house and told her husband to go with Pam to make sure she was safe. Michael and Pam made idle small talk on the way and she pulled up to the house that Roy and her shared for so long and she just felt sad. Sad that she let it get this far. She noticed Roy's truck was in the driveway. She unbuckled and Michael went to follow her.

"I think I need to do this by myself. If I'm not out in five minutes, come after me." Michael nodded. Pam stepped onto the ground in a quick outfit she bought at Walmart at 11 pm last night. She couldn't very well move her things in a nice, albeit short cocktail dress.

She used her key to open the door and saw Roy on the couch. There was silence for a few minutes until Roy spoke.

"Finally came crawling back, did you?" He seethed.

"Nope." She cheerfully replied. "I'm leaving." Roy whipped his head around.

"What? You were ragging on me to set a date and now we're so close to it and you're chickening out? Unbelievable." He scoffed and shook his head.

"No, Roy, what's unbelievable is the fact that I let this go on for so long. I don't love you anymore and I haven't for a while. I know you felt the same so let's call it what it is and let me get my stuff." Roy lumbered up and got in her face. She gagged at the smell of whiskey. "God, that stinks." She put a hand over her nose. He grabbed her wrist.

"What stinks is some bitch thinking she can do better than Roy Anderson." He scowled in her face. "You know what? I've had better. And more recently too." He smirked nastily at her. She thought it should make her mad but it just made her sad. For him. Because he could never be happy with her or himself until he did some soul searching of his own.

"Is that supposed to upset me, Roy?" Pam stared calmly back at him, not saying anything else when he yanked his hand away from her wrist in disgust. Michael knocked on the door.

"Who is that?" He demanded, taking another swallow of the hard alcohol. "It's Halpert, isn't it? I always knew he had a thing for you, following you around like a puppy. He's pathetic."

"No, it isn't Jim. But I wouldn't mind letting him take a swing at you, you drunkard." She seethed. "And Jim isn't pathetic, you are." She went to open the door. "And it's Michael, you know, my brother-in-law." Roy scowled deeply.

"That bastard never liked me." He muttered as he stepped away from her.

"He has good taste, then." She commented as she opened the door to let Michael in with plastic totes they had laying in their garage.

"So, this is it, then. You're leaving. No more nagging." He mock danced a celebration, not paying attention to Michael's anger.

"Yep, this is it. Don't worry, I'll take care of the wedding cancellations. I'm the only one that did it anyways." She sneered as she placed the ring on the counter. "Good luck getting whiskey money for that piece of tin that I bought. I don't even want it anywhere near me anymore." She started off to the bedroom with Michael and totes in tow. They went through the bedroom and took all her clothes, went and took all her art supplies, not that there was much anymore, took her toiletries and anything in the kitchen that she wanted. She left him with the essentials, he would only use the microwave anyways. She stopped in front of the door as they loaded the last of her stuff in the truck. All the furniture she didn't want. She could go thrifting for new for her the new apartment. Without any bad memories of glasses being thrown or fights or her stupidly caving. She looked at Roy with disgust.

"Have fun being a bachelor. You basically were anyways." She stated as she threw the key on the floor and closed that chapter on her life.

"You okay?" Michael asked as she sat in the truck. She looked at him.

"It was long overdue." Michael nodded and started the ignition. Pam quietly sat for a while. "I think I'm ready to become my own person. I am not going to be taken advantage of again." Michael nodded in approval.

"Good. First things first, we'll put this stuff in the garage for now and then go car shopping." She smiled brightly. She never went car shopping before. Roy had all the vehicles in his name since they drove together. This would be nice.

"I'd really like that." Pam looked out the window. "When we get back, could I use your laptop? I need to send an email."

"Sure." The rest of the ride was silent.


End file.
